Monday, January 30, 2012

I'm back and better than ever.

I've taken a bit of a hiatus from my blog this past year.  It's been truly wonderful.  After years of drug abuse I finally managed to steer my entire life back on track and prosper in ways that I never thought I would.  I've been sober for over a year now!

I'm finishing up my undergraduate degree and working part time at a large Fortune 500 company.  It feels absolutely incredible to be a productive member of society again.  I never thought I would be where I am now a year ago (and so soon!).  It's remarkable that a little bit of hard work, determination, and discipline in your life go such a long ways.  I'm looking forward to advancing my blossoming career and trying harder than ever to make something of myself.

I still struggle with thoughts about my addiction.  Every month or two I'll have a dream where I'm high again and it ends up turning into a nightmare (which I think is a good thing?).  I think about using occasionally but those thoughts usually end up in me only reflecting on all the bad times I had while on drugs.

I still regret all the wasted time I spent doing absolutely nothing productive.  It's hard seeing your friends further on in life than you are and have to try to explain why you are left behind.  I'm working hard to get back where I want to be in life and just taking everything in.  I feel ashamed at times about my past but I know that there's no way I can change what is done.  I spend lonely nights sometimes thinking about what I would do differently if I could do it all over again, but those thoughts are foolish and unproductive.

I look forward to a wonderful 2012 and hopefully I'll have time to update this blog the way I want to.  It's very releasing getting all my stray thoughts out and onto here.

Here's to a great 2012!

Friday, March 4, 2011

I'm still alive!

     Sorry for the lack of updates in the past few weeks.  I've been really busy with work related stuff and I've been exhausted at the end of the day.  I'll definitely be back on my regular routine within a week or two of posting everyday.  I'm still sober and haven't gone off the deep end or anything like that. 

Here's a short little video I somehow found that I thought was interesting.

     I found this a little thought provoking as an addict.  Every time I would spiral back into addiction I think I went through the same thought process as this.  I would come up with ways to use drugs while setting some sort of "but I WON'T do this" barrier that would allow me to feel okay with what I was doing.

     That's it for now.  Still busy and doing a lot of things that are beneficial to my new sober lifestyle.  It feels good to have actual goals now and do things towards completing them.  Cheers.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

What I think about Marijuana

     Okay folks I've been putting this post off but I finally am putting it out there.  A few people would like to know what I think about Marijuana; an addicts point of view.  Simply put I think Marijuana/Cannabis is about as addictive as video games.

     ADDICTIVE?  Yes.  Addictive.  So let's simply define my usage of the word addiction since many will argue over Cannabis' role in addiction.  Addiction to me is a compulsive or obsessive action that is done generally for the purpose of euphoria or pleasure and shows a tendency to impact the course of other actions.  Simply put it's something you like to do a lot and draws negative consequences from its usage.

     With that being said, anything can be addictive right?  Sure.  Sex, food, gambling, even Marijuana.  I'm speaking of this from only my first hand account.  I went through periods of using where the only drug I did was Marijuana.  I did it every waking second, getting high 8 times a day so I could stay baked for the entire duration of me being awake.  I loved Marijuana and loved a lot of the "magic" I felt with it.  Thoughts seemed different, music seemed more vivid, and things overall seemed funnier.  I was in love with the drug almost instantly.

     For me though Marijuana really stopped being fun after around 2 years of constant habitual usage.  I had a major panic attack one time after getting high and it completely killed a lot of the euphoria I felt.  I went on to use over another 4 years and every time I would get high it would be 50% fun and 50% anxiety.  I would feel nervous about another panic attack and it just was never the same.  I was constantly chasing those feelings I had during my first two years of pot usage.

     That's just me though right?  Sure.  Only a few people I ever met who smoked pot, smoked it habitually.  I only met a handful who smoked morning, day, and night everyday.  Clearly not everyone becomes addicted to this substance.  That being said most people who try harder drugs also do not become habitual users though their is a stronger tendency to become addicted.  Addiction lies within the synapses of the brain.  I laugh at people when they say "Marijuana is not PHYSICALLY addictive, only mentally/psychologically".  Do you think Cocaine and Heroin addicts bust back on their drug of choice 6 months of sobriety because they are "physically addicted"?  Do you think it takes on average seven trips to rehab before an addict begins long term sobriety because of physical addiction?  Physical addiction only puts a barrier on sobriety.  You stop using and you get sick, or you get withdraw, etc.  It does not keep users compulsive and obsessed.  All drugs are mentally additive.  The brain is used to those drugs and maintains certain chemical reactions based upon their input.  This is all addiction really ends up being.

    Now clearly the effects of Marijuana on the brain are different than hard drugs (even most hard drugs are different from each other).  That being said, there is a propensity for Marijuana users to use habitually.  I find getting high all day demotivates me and makes me tired and mentally sluggish.  If you find it does the opposite, good for you.  If you find Marijuana stimulating and something that makes you a better person, good for you.

     I don't intend to change anyone's mind with this post.  I only intended to give out my viewpoints and my thoughts on the matter.  If you love Marijuana and you disagree with everything I've said, that's fine.  If you're smoking everyday and think about getting high while sober, there's a good chance there may be an underlying issue present in your life.

(Even Bill Maher mentions daily usage as being potentially harmful.)

     I go back to my video game analogy.  Not everybody plays video games addictively but for some people it completely takes hold of their entire life.  They miss out on being with their friends, miss out on work, and really miss out on life in general.  I find the same things would happen when I was smoking pot all the time.  That being said most of the health hazards for Marijuana are somewhat benign though that doesn't make it safe by any stretch of the imagination.  I am actually FOR Marijuana legalization because I think it's safe enough to allow responsible adults a choice on its usage (though I don't want to get into that here).

     If you like to smoke pot, fine.  Have fun.  I really don't care and I'm not trying to make you quit.  If you find no ill-effects and no negative impact from usage then what is there to say?  Really ask yourself though if it's something that is simply present in your life without being burdensome.  Are you really getting the most of each day with Marijuana in your life?

     With all that said, nothing is going to make me want to go back to using.  I'm done, drugs aren't for me.  I'm staying clean and sober.  I would love to hear what you guys have to say on the subject of Marijuana and maybe throw down a story or two on how it impacts your life.  Sorry for the length of this post, I tried to keep it brief.  Cheers.