Sometimes we all just want someone to say "Everything is going to be alright" (Even if we don't believe it). I feel like this everyday. I hate the uncertainty of life and I hate the lack of guarantees. Everything seems extremely chaotic around me, everyone has a story that makes me cringe and think "That could be me". When I hear from people about how hard their life is I just want to give up and throw in the towel; Does it ever get easy? I know people who do everything right and still are unable to obtain their goals. I've made so many mistakes in my life, why should I think I'll EVER be successful if the most disciplined people around me can't seem to have any luck either? Why do I deserve anything?
Drug addiction has been apart of my life for the past 6 years. It will be a continuing influence for the rest of my life (Yes... the REST of my life) and I certainly can't be anything but sober. I can't do any intoxicant even once. One puff, one sip, one pill and I'm gone. You won't see me again for months until I come crawling back begging for help. Every spiral I've had down into the depths of daily drug use began with a "I got this, I can control this" attitude. It's the longing for just a little induced euphoria; just a little happiness. It never works because I AM an addict. I don't do things halfway, I do them everyday, all the time, or never.
Through these past 6 years though I've had periods of sobriety (longest was about 8 months or so). I'm on again off again and it hurts. I build up my life, get things going, do one hit or one drink and BOOM I'm addicted and looking for ways to score. It's a continual rebuilding process. I've moved towns to escape the shame and embarrassment that I've imposed on myself and lost countless networks of friends. Everyone remembers me as the guy that had everything going for him and then lost it all on drugs. I'm the weirdo, I'm the guy that makes other people feel better about themselves ("I've got it bad, but at least I'm not him!").
The worst part is the wasted time. Time. I can get sobriety back but I can't ever get back the long hours, days, and months of being high and doing nothing. Time, COMPLETELY WASTED. I wasn't working, I wasn't socializing, I was sitting through long stretches of being drunk and flying high as a kite. None of it was worth anything, nothing became of any of it except suffering and sadness.
My first step towards long-term recovery came after I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to do drugs anymore. Well that's not true, I wanted to do them but I didn't want to face the consequences from their usage. That was the key: I hated the consequences. I couldn't control myself anymore and needed someone to tell me how. I did 3 months at an in-patient drug rehab program and I saw my life without drugs for the first time. I was convinced I was going to be getting high all my life, getting high completed me. I had finally seen that life was okay without getting high, that you could live life sober. This was the turn around for me; before this program I couldn't stand to be sober for more than a few HOURS. I was then able to face sobriety for months though addiction seems to keep creeping up on me when everything is going fine...
I made this blog to throw down some of my thoughts and stories on drug addiction and offer some comfort to individuals struggling like me. I don't want anyone to feel helpless anymore. I don't want to tell anyone to do anything, take what you will from my rantings. I know some things have worked for me and some things haven't, and as such they may work for you or not. I'm in the process of rebuilding after a very long binge of drugs and alcohol. I've been sober for 3 months and I am using this blog to journal my recovery process and hopefully get some feedback from other addicts on how they manage to survive. I'm going to continue to touch on other topics of addiction with this blog; maybe someone will benefit from my thoughts and words.
You and I do deserve better though, I don't care what we've done. We are humans and you have to struggle to get what we want, even if our actions seem worthless or our situations hopeless. We aren't animals and we aren't ghosts. We exist and we thrive and we get tossed down but we get right back up. We carry packs of shame wherever we go but we don't let them weigh us down. We use shame as a tool, as learning experiences. We may have regret but we only look forward. We are no better nor worse than anyone. We never quit. Everything really is going to be alright and our suffering now will come to pass. We are addicts and we need love. Love yourself. You deserve it.